How I Stopped People Pleasing
PEOPLE PLEASER 101
I used to be the guy who would wait until everyone had eaten first then happily eat the leftovers.
It was always “I don’t mind, you choose”.
I would always say yes to people if I felt I could improve their situation. I just needed to find something of my own to cut down on - sleep, energy, money.
It was my superpower - I prided myself on not needing much to survive, and it was the best means through which I was able to give to those around me.
I really felt that I was in such a beautiful place with myself, my friendships, and my marriage so I was completely blindsided by what happened next.
ROUGH SEAS
My dad was overseas for most of my life so we never became super close. When COVID-19 hit, he finally moved back to Australia.
He was a typical asian immigrant dad:
Always busy working hard to provide for the family
TERRIBLE at hugs
Man of few words
I remember excitedly telling my parents about past experiences that really moved me like University Exchange, Burning Man, or Meditation courses. Mum would be so curious and happy for me, while dad played candy crush from across the table.
Any questions directed at him were met with silence or “ask your mum”/ “whatever mum thinks”.
He did, however, have a lot to say about me starting my own business.
His comments came across as overprotective, unsolicited advice that was out of touch with what I actually cared about.
It felt like I had to choose between living my purpose vs having my dad in my life.
We would get into heated arguments about why his approaches wouldn’t work for my business to no agreeable end. Feeling unheard & frustrated, I started to feel dread towards our next interactions.
The people-pleaser in me was used to justifying changes to my desires but I felt crippled as I was REALLY unwilling to waver on this topic.
The emotional discomfort became overwhelming.
It felt like I had to choose between living my purpose vs having my dad in my life.
EPIPHANY
In a conversation with a friend, a revelatory answer was brought to the surface.
A: “What do you actually want from your father?”
A few visions of times I felt we could’ve connected deeper appeared in my mind but something was holding my mouth shut.
A few moments later, I felt my eyes start to water and I blurted out:
B: “For him to acknowledge and apologise for the fear he made me feel when I was younger”
I believed other people were responsible for how I felt.
My response didn’t make obvious sense at first but the tears kept flowing, indicating an emotional density within it.
Meditating on the response, it revealed to me just how much I felt my dad was responsible for my emotional state, and by extension - how much I believed other people were responsible for how I felt.
Then it struck me clear as day... Since I believed people were responsible for how I felt, I had subconsciously taken on the responsibility of other people’s feelings as well!
The root of my people-pleasing tendencies was uncovered, and this experience with dad was showing me why this strategy is maladaptive when something I truly cared about was at stake.
REFLECTION
Instead of learning how to honour his own needs, Younger Ben learned to sacrifice them in order to never ruffle any feathers.
Not ruffling ANYONE’s feathers was absolutely unsustainable and incredibly exhausting.
Instead of learning how to stand up for himself, he made himself so loveable that no one would even want to hurt him in the first place.
As Adult Ben, I realised that not ruffling ANYONE’s feathers was absolutely unsustainable and incredible exhausting.
I needed to start learning how to protect myself and the things I cared about in another way.
I thanked Younger Ben for working so hard to learn how to be around anyone, and with that, I relieved him of the burden he was carrying.
I decided there and then that I would take responsibility of my own circumstance, and return others the responsibility of their own.
Time to stop people pleasing.
Time to stand up for myself. To honour my own needs.
TRANSFORMATION
As it turns out, all my father wanted for me was to live from that place too. When he saw that I understood that, the shape of our future conversations effortlessly shifted.
Our discussions around my business no longer revolved around what methods would/wouldn’t work best, but rather how I would stand up for myself, protect my risk and make sure I was safe.
I never once felt scared of other people as long as he was around.
Reflecting on the strange answer to my friend’s question as well, I found myself no longer even needing my dad to apologise for the fear Younger Ben felt around him.
He was doing the best he could with what he had at the time, and although his use of anger and violence was scary to Younger Ben, I never once felt scared of others as long as he was around.
I was always safe around him, and in the most profound way, he taught me how to feel safe around myself.
He was the best dad I could’ve asked for.
TURNAROUND
I thought I was people-pleasing for the benefit of others but in reality I was doing it to avoid my own fear & discomfort of being in the presence of uncontrolled anger.
I thought it was the best way to protect myself but it was an exhausting, avoidant substitute.
I thought I wouldn’t feel safe unless everyone loved me.
Now I know I am no matter what.
Love,
Always 💗
Hi, I am Ben.
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I help people live freer & more powerful lives by dissolving chronic pain of the mind, body & spirit.
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