The Antidote for Workplace Gossip
Summarised interpretation from ‘the 15 commitments of conscious leadership’ by Jim Dethmer, Diana Chapman and Kaley Warner Klemp.
View on tablet/computer for optimal reading experience.
Workplace gossip is a commonly accepted practice but is deleterious to an organisation’s long term goals.
It takes a lot of mental and emotional energy to engage in stories about others - energy that could have been used more productively for creating win/win solutions and advancing the organisation.
The arguments for it are essentially “better out than in” and I would agree, but also add that gossiping is an unskilled version of doing so.
In this blog post, I’ll take you through a more effective method that actually brings members of your organisation closer together.
Eliminating workplace gossip through this method has the effect of bringing about more creativity and innovation for all parties involved.
For clarity, gossip in this post refers to statements that:
Are made with negative intent and/or
The speaker would be unwilling to share if the person in question were present.
THE POISON OF WORKPLACE GOSSIP
Workplace gossip creates more separation within an organisation. This separation is the energetic opposite of collaboration and works like a slow-acting poison, reducing capacity to resolve issues and build long-term trust.
FACTS don’t cause stress. Drama and stress are caused by STORIES, and stories are made up by people.
Separation begins when the Gossiper adds their own opinions to the facts of the matter. People who listen to these opinions and take them as truth (be that consciously or unconsciously) deepen the separation.
In this sense, the listener is just as responsible as the speaker.
FACTS don’t cause stress. Drama and stress are caused by STORIES, and stories are made up by people.
WHY DO PEOPLE GOSSIP?
As with all behaviours, of course there are some motivations for gossip.
These are exacerbated by management and/or organisational cultures that do not encourage healthy discussions about criticism from within the team, or honour fear, sadness, and anger as valuable emotions to have when doing business.
The book lists the following (usually unconscious) paybacks that motivate gossiping:
Make others wrong
Seeing someone as less than oneself helps to relieve us from feeling inferior
Gain validation
Our egos hate being wrong and gossip allows us to validate our righteousness
Control others
When we gossip successfully, we align other people’s beliefs and behaviours to ours and is a subtle way to control our environment.
Get attention
Absent something meaningful to share with others, people may choose to reveal a critical or private story about someone else to draw attention to themselves.
Divert attention
Talking about others’ lives is more comfortable than facing what is not working in our own.
Avoid conflict
If we are concerned that our opinions will upset someone else, we might choose to vent them to people not directly related to the issue.
Avoid feeling and/or expressing authentic emotions
Team members may wait until leaders/people outside of their team have left the room before voicing their true feelings.
Create (pseudo) alliances
Gossip is bonding, but far from healthy. Alliances and friendships rooted in victimhood compromise the well-being of individuals and the effectiveness of teams.
SEPARATING FACTS FROM STORIES
think of facts as something that a video camera could record, and stories are our assessment of what they meant.
Skilled discussion of workplace incidents can bring people closer together, rather than pushing them further apart.
I wanted to share the Clearing Model used by Jim Dethmer & co which revolves around the principle of separating FACTS from STORIES.
FACTS are inarguable, whereas STORIES are.
Fact examples
Body language
Spoken tone
Spoken volume
Events that occurred.
Story examples
Opinions
Beliefs
Judgements
Interpretations
Assumptions
It’s helpful to think of facts as something that a video camera could record, and stories are our assessment of what they meant.
FACTS
A) Costs are up 12% this quarter
B) My boss spoke to me with a loud voice and increased intensity.
C) My colleague joined the meeting I organised 20 minutes past the start time
D) I got a 16% raise
E) I wasn’t invited to a corporate event I wanted to go to
STORY
A) The finance team isn’t doing their job
B) My boss thinks I did a terrible job and is going to be angry at me for the rest of the week
C) My colleague doesn’t respect my time or my project
D) The company thinks I am performing exceptionally well
E) My manager doesn’t like me and is purposely keeping me from events I care about
Remember, FACTS don’t cause stress. Drama and stress are caused by STORIES, and stories are made up by people.
If you can humbly acknowledge the human nature to make stories up and convince ourselves that they are facts, then you are free to compassionately shift out of that perspective.
Liberate yourself and others by remembering that your story is YOURS. It is not the truth, it is simply the way you see the world.
The following is what Jim Dethmer & co call the Clearing Model and is a great example of a more skilled way to discuss workplace incidents that prioritises connection over separation.
THE CLEARING MODEL
Person A (Ben) clears the issue
Step 1: Affirm a meaningful relationship
“Mike, I want to clear this issue with you because I value our business relationship”
Step 2: Establish a time to talk
“Is now a good time to talk?”, or “If not now, when?”
Step 3: Discuss the facts
“The specific facts are… that 5 of the last 6 meetings, you showed up after the start time.”
Step 4: Share your story/ies
“The judgment I make is that this meeting isn’t important to you and that you aren’t prioritising this project. You are overcommitted and this project will fail to meet it’s milestones.”
Step 5: Be open about the emotional impact your story has on you
“I feel worried and angry.”
Step 6: take accountability for your role in creating/sustaining the FACTS
“My part in this is that I didn’t speak directly to you the 1st time it happened. I also didn’t make it clear from the beginning about the timing or priority of these meetings. My own fear about completing this project on time is making this meeting feel more significant.”
Step 7: Be clear about what you specifically want
I want to make clear time agreements with you and renegotiate them beforehand, if necessary. I would really like you to check in with yourself to see whether you are aligned with me on the importance of this project and to tell me if you aren’t.”
Person B (Mike) listens to understand
Step 1: Reflect/paraphrase without interpretation to give Person A the experience of being heard, and to give them a chance to correct themselves if they have not been clear.
“What I hear you saying is that when I was late to 5 meetings, you took that to mean that I wasn’t able to commit to the project and that it might fall through the cracks because of my current load. You feel worried and angry. You see that we lacked a clear time agreement and want us to have them for the future. You also want me to check if I have enough capacity amongst my own commitments to prioritise my responsibilities for the project so that it doesn’t fail to meet it’s milestones.”
Step 2: after reflecting, check that you have gotten it right
“Ben, did I get that right?”
(repeat until you are both on the same page)
Step 3: Verify that you have addressed the complete issue
“Ben, did you want to add anything else?”
If Person B (Mike) has an issue, switch roles.
CONCLUSION
Sharing our stories and welcoming others to do the same will teach us more about each other.
This is how we can start to sow the seeds of accountability, humility and community into the organisational culture.
It will take practice, but I promise it gets easier.
That’s a FACT.
Love,
Always 💗
Hi, I am Ben.
If this post resonated with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments section below.
I help people live freer & more powerful lives by dissolving chronic pain of the mind, body & spirit.
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